A lonely journey

Sharing your faith isn't something that comes naturally to me. At least not yet it isn't. I'm new to it, and as introverted as I tend to be, writing about my faith and my journey is easier and more comfortable than shouting from the rooftops. I'm safe and hidden within my computer, far from having to deal with face to face judgement from anyone. It's hard sharing your faith, when the old group of friends you still love, don't share your passion. It's hard sharing your faith, when there are some family members who think it's "just a phase" or me trying to be "better than them". They become uncomfortable, and then so do I. There's always that "uncomfortable silence" if Jesus, God, or anything spiritually is brought up.

The "Road to Enlightenment" can be a lonely one- that's for sure. But growing apart from old friends who don't support me, has allowed room for beautiful people to enter my life. People who DO support me- even if it's people I have never met and they send me messages via the computer.  Don't get me wrong-I'm thankful for that, but part of me is saddened by the strain my christianity has put on other relationships in my life. I have been very careful not to be "that christian". You know who I'm talking about. Those christians that try and shove their beliefs down your throat to the point you feel like hitting them over the head with their own bible. Those christians that are arrogant and somewhat judgemental. Those christians that are ready for battle when you disagree or question something they have said. Those christians that act as though they are "holier than thou" only to try and make you feel less of yourself. Those christians that don't actually live their faith. Those aren't my kind of christians, and I'm sorry if I have ever acted like that. That's not who I want to be. Perhaps, my friends or some of my family members think of me this way? I don't know. Gosh, I hope not.

Choosing to become a christian doesn't make me perfect. It doesn't mean I'll never sin again. It doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun anymore. It doesn't mean I'll never have a glass of wine again. It doesn't mean I am better than you. It simply means, that I made the choice put my life into the hands of Jesus. I did this because I think He'll do a better job at managing me than I was doing. I wrestle with my spirituality A LOT. I too, have many questions, and just because I chose to become a christian doesn't mean I have all the answers. I often fall short when trying to become a follower of Christ, and trust me,  I constantly berate myself for it. I can be an ugly perfectionist. I am on a journey to find the Lord. He's watching and reading- I honestly hope that. I hope He knows who I am, and who I want to be. I just wish the people closest to me did as well.